


Just a Hallow Shell

by thefullmetaledwardelric



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22215217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefullmetaledwardelric/pseuds/thefullmetaledwardelric
Summary: It's been seven years since the Promised Day, from when his rotten father pushed him out of the way and got Al back instead... only to have Al's body be too weak to survive outside of the void... since Al had died...Back in the military, it's everything Ed can do just to keep himself from joining Al on the other side.
Kudos: 17





	Just a Hallow Shell

**Author's Note:**

> This is another of the old pieces. It's set in an AU I used to RP in where Al is gone and Ed pretty much takes over for Mustang, returning to the military if only to have some purpose in life. This is just a small scene in the grand scheme of the things I used to RP for this version of Ed, but it gives a pretty good idea of the headspace. If you're not into self-harm I suggesting turning around now.

He’d nearly gotten himself killed…

Couldn’t bring himself to take the kill shot…

If Mustang hadn’t stepped in…

Another second and he’d be where ever it was that Al was…

But he wasn’t…

He was still here…

He’d been one breath away from possibly dying…

Why was his only feeling…

Numb.

That was almost every day, nothing but numbness, cold, unforgiving, dull, numbness. No matter how hard he tried to hold onto his ideals, fought to try to hold onto some part of the person he used to be, the Lt. Colonel just couldn’t seem to. Sure, he could pull a decent act most days, convince people that he was fine… but he hadn’t been fine at all for going on seven years… since the day he lost the one person that meant more to him than anything or anyone else… Alphonse.

At first he’d been angry, so much so that he’d pushed nearly everyone away from him. Violent outbursts had been his way of dealing if anyone even spoke his younger brother’s name. Fits of temper followed by crumpled masses of sobbing; those had been how he’d tried to deal with it. That first year was like living that moment when Alphonse had been taken by the portal before he’d been able to retrieve his soul over and over again every moment of every day. The loneliness and fear… but there was no way to reclaim Alphonse this time, no way to bring his brother back into this world this time.

He’d needed to find an outlet, somewhere to go. He’d called Mustang then, asked him to get him into the Academy. At least if he went back to the military, went back to being a State Alchemist and a soldier, he’d have something to distract him, something to do. That had been alright for awhile too. The few years he’d spent under constant scrutiny and under strict discipline had forced him not to think about the pain. It had given him an avenue and a reason to lock it all away… but that maybe had been worse for him than better.

That was when the numbness had started. Some days he felt simply like a mindless soldier, a drone. He’d even picked up his smoking habit then. Nothing really helped the feeling though… but he’d discovered something else that had helped…

And that something was what he found himself huddled at the back of Command doing to deal with what had happened and how he felt or more accurately what he didn’t feel and thought he should.

Roy had chewed him out for failing. Ed was used to Roy getting angry at him these days. That was all he seemed to ever do. Ed hadn’t asked to be given the responsibility of taking over for him, taking over his team. He hadn’t fucking wanted it… but it had been an order from a superior… he couldn’t turn it down, not without just cause unless he wanted to be court-martialed. Not that Ed cared so much about that, he just knew that if he didn’t at least have this, well, it would be likely he’d join Al on the other side. As much as he may have wanted that, he also knew that Al would never forgive him for doing it either. But either way, the argument was probably one of the worst the two had ever had and it had left Ed withdrawing even more into himself when he’d finally stormed from the office.

He’d already slipped his uniform jacket off, tossing it aside as he’d slid down the cement wall, his knees to his chest as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. It would be a few drags before he got it good and hot, hot enough to use as the real relief he wanted. For now the inside of his arm would due…

Closing his eyes, Ed let his head rest back against the cold stone as he pressed the hot cigarette embers to his skin. He let the pain trickle through him, flow from his arm to his mind. He could smell the faint scent of burning skin but that didn’t seem to bother him. Ed welcomed it. That smell meant he was burning away the things he couldn’t deal with, meant that there was physical pain, something he could feel, something tangible that he could control. Every so often Ed would take the cigarette away to pull another drag, re-ignite the embers then place it back to his skin… over and over again until the cigarette was spent…


End file.
